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Author Topic: Anyone write?  (Read 37237 times)
whitetiger0990
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« Reply #45 on: February 03, 2005, 10:08:57 PM »

Sorry but I don't like your story. I couldn't read past "a dark and stormy" because that was a horrible begining to a story (I don't care if it's supposed to be like that). Well that's my two cents.
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speedlemon
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« Reply #46 on: February 03, 2005, 10:13:22 PM »

i dont care what you think.
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Mech1031
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« Reply #47 on: February 03, 2005, 10:14:19 PM »

Quote from: "speedlemon"
i dont care what you think.

Woo!  hell yeah!  go Speedy!!!

ehem.  It's good for your first time, just keep at it and you'll do better.
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the mind is a beautiful thing, use it and make the world a more beautiful place.
speedlemon
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« Reply #48 on: February 03, 2005, 10:20:30 PM »

well thats better than 'i dont like it because of the first sentence.'

i know its not as good as josiah tobins
and its not actually suposed to be scary, or serious.
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whitetiger0990
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« Reply #49 on: February 03, 2005, 10:25:13 PM »

What? You wanted comments, you got comments.
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speedlemon
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« Reply #50 on: February 03, 2005, 10:32:02 PM »

i know. i said 'read my story and make comments' not 'read the first sentence, and tell me how bad it sucks'. anyways i know the first sentence could be better but you couldve said the story needs work. or just read the whole thing before you say something like that anyways.
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whitetiger0990
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« Reply #51 on: February 03, 2005, 10:38:39 PM »

I never said it sucks! I just said it doesn't interest me. That sentence has been overused toooooo much.
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speedlemon
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« Reply #52 on: February 03, 2005, 11:12:14 PM »

sorry man. i guess i just misunderstood you.

still i think its weird that you said you didnt like my story after reading the first sentence
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whitetiger0990
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« Reply #53 on: February 03, 2005, 11:17:09 PM »

Meh I'm weird.
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NovaProgramming
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« Reply #54 on: February 04, 2005, 12:07:38 AM »

I didn't really get that into it either... but it was mostly because it seems to parallel an awful lot with Brian Jacques' unique Redwall characters, and the way that you narrate it is a little strange...  "I have <such and such> I know this because <such and such>..."  You could have said "<this> evidence led me to do <this>" or something of that nature.

All I can really tell you is to keep trying... but maybe pick some other characters...
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ovaProgramming.

One night I had a dream where I was breaking balls.  The next morning, BALLSBREAKER was born.

Quote from: "Haye, Phillip J."
 Excellent.  Now you can have things without paying for them.

BALLSBREAKER 2
~-_-Status Report-_-~
Engine: 94%
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A Severe Error has crippled BB2 for the time being... I have to figure it out, but until then you won't see much of it Sad.
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Radical Raccoon
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« Reply #55 on: February 09, 2005, 03:25:46 AM »

I figured I was trying to hard, so I just decided to start typing and I ended up with one of my better beginnings. I haven't jumped much into the main story yet, but if I did it would be alot to read. Anyways, it's the beginning to some novel'ish thing I'm making. You know the drill: don't read it if you don't want to, if you do read it I'd like to hear your comments, blah blah blah...

Code:

        As soon as the microwave beeped Harold realized that he completely forgot about his dinner. It was suppose to cook for only 2 minutes, but for some reason he set it to 5 and decided to stop it once it reached 3. Why? He wanted to test his sense of time. He sat on his couch watching television and hoped to jump up to the microwave once he got the impulse that 2 minutes had past. Unfortunately, he got distracted by the T.V. and completely spaced it.
        Harold headed for his dinner and opened the microwave door. “What a shame,” he said.
        His cheap dinner was splattered all over the inside of the microwave, macaroni and cheese. “I’ll just get some fast food,” he thought. He was too lazy and didn’t want to bother with cleaning the microwave. He’d rather take the time to drive to Joe’s to easily pick up a combo. As he closed the microwave door he thought, “I’ll clean it tomorrow.”
        It wasn’t at all a good time to head out. It was rush hour. Harold didn’t realize this until he was stuck in traffic. The sun was blinding him. It was at just the right angle that no matter what you did you couldn’t block it, unless you use your hand. Traffic came to a stop. To help pass the time by, Harold turned on the radio. At first it was all white noise, so he hit the seek to find the nearest station. Half a minute went by and no radio station was found. It completely looped through all the possible stations several times.
        “Lousy piece of junk,” Harold exclaimed watching the digital display cycle through all the numbers.
        The car behind him honked. The light had turned green and it was time to move. Harold did so.
        Upon approaching Joe’s (Joe’s Burger Palace was the full name of the restaurant), Harold noticed his friend’s car parked in the lot. This was unexpected being as Harold thought his friend headed south to visit with family. He couldn’t have been back already. Maybe he didn’t leave at all. Regardless, it was always fun to hang with him. Harold’s bad mood evaporated away as he pulled into the lot excited to see his friend; his name was Tim.
        Tim was one of those guys who seemed to always have something interesting to do, but once you got to know him you realized, just like the rest of us, how uninteresting one could be. Still, Tim was one of those guys that made the day better whenever you were around him. You always felt like you were doing something when you were with him, even if it was just sitting on the couch watching infomercials.
        While exiting his car, Harold peered inside Joe’s through the glass to spot Tim. He couldn’t see much with the reflection of all the sunlight. He closed his car door and walked inside to find a very busy place. The most full he’s ever seen. He had to shuffle his way through the crowd to get around. Rather than do that, he went onto the tip of his toes to spy over the crowd to find Tim. He did this 3 times and could not find him. All hope wasn’t lost. There were still other places to look. There was no need to search the restrooms or behind the pillars. He would only take his searching so far.
        Time went by and Harold was next inline to order. Tim was still nowhere to be found. This was odd. It was so busy that Harold was inline for at least 15 minutes. He was sure Tim would have showed up somewhere, anywhere. It had cleared up a bit, and that only verified his absence. Harold looked out the window, and sure enough Tim’s car was still there. The sky became darker as the sun set below the mountains in the distance. It was sunset when Harold first entered the place, now it was dusk.
        Harold lost his appetite from all the vain excitement. He headed back out to examine Tim’s car. At first glance, he was sure it was his car. When he looked closer, he was sure it was still his car, but something about it was different from the last time he saw it the day before. Scratches and dents covered the side of it. The bumpers were covered in dirt. It appeared as though someone took it for a reckless joyride off-road. He was sure it wasn’t at all like this the last time he saw it. After his interest was sparked by the outside, he decided to take a look inside. Through the glass were dusty seats with a lot of wear and tear on them. Before it had been clean inside and the seats had no noticeable tears on them. Now it was a mess, like it had been carrying dirty dogs that had been scratching at the seats all day. Tim wasn’t a clean freak, but he would for sure through a fit if anything like this happened to his car, and he definitely wouldn’t be the one to let it fade into this horrible state.
        A few scenarios passed through Harold’s mind as he was examining the car. For one, Tim could have-no, he would never take it off-road. Maybe he let someone borrow it, but he would have to be trust-worthy and never let anything remotely this close happen. Out of all the scenarios there was one that made some sense, but Harold feared to think it. Maybe it was stolen! Maybe it was stolen by some teenagers that decided to have some fun with it, or some criminal, but that still didn’t explain the majority of the damage.
        After running all of this turmoil through his mind, Harold had decided he was thinking too much.
        “Nonsense,” he thought, “Tim will be out any moment and have some funny story to tell like he always does.”
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speedlemon
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« Reply #56 on: February 09, 2005, 08:28:30 PM »

i liked it and now i want to know what happened to that car! :evil:

but im not good at writing so i can't tell you if anythings wrong with the characters or stuff like that.
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zshzn
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« Reply #57 on: February 09, 2005, 11:17:27 PM »

Some nice stories being put up.  Cheesy

Took me forever to read through all those, being that I don't follow this forum enough to read them as they come.

I used to write a bit, mostly in english, what I have can be found http://zshzn.skudd.com/writings/writings.php. Most of it is pretty old and substandard.  :roll:
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NovaProgramming
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« Reply #58 on: February 10, 2005, 09:51:46 AM »

Pretty Good job, it kept my attention Wink.  I didn't see too many things physically wrong with it (besides a few grammatical errors), other than my own pet peeves about writing ("He needed to do this, so he did."     instead of something like just plain old "He did this next.")

Good job
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ovaProgramming.

One night I had a dream where I was breaking balls.  The next morning, BALLSBREAKER was born.

Quote from: "Haye, Phillip J."
 Excellent.  Now you can have things without paying for them.

BALLSBREAKER 2
~-_-Status Report-_-~
Engine: 94%
Graphics: 95%
Sound: 100%
A Severe Error has crippled BB2 for the time being... I have to figure it out, but until then you won't see much of it Sad.
-----------------------------
Radical Raccoon
I hold this place together
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« Reply #59 on: February 10, 2005, 12:28:43 PM »

Thanks for the comments.

Quote from: "NovaProgramming"
("He needed to do this, so he did."     instead of something like just plain old "He did this next.")


I don't quite understand. If you could point out some examples in my text, or explain further, that would help.
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