Okay, I'll give you a critique if you like. I'll place various 'points' throughout the lyrics which I'll refer to later. Just a key kinda thing-- Red is something I think you should change, green is just a nitpick.
He gave in again
the bastard
can't keep refusing to te__ll
He sat in his grave
shallow and light
screaming, it felt like he___ll <---- point 1
so
to carry on
in sweet silence <--- point 2
never to, believe
never to help with
recovering
distressed, belongings
and <--- point 3
touch <---- point 4
my eyelids fall victim
to
paralization
and
all i can do__ is
drown
in this torrent of
sweet silent
surrender will
overtake, my bleeding heart <--- point 5
the pain is
to much so
I begin, to fall apart
POINT 1: 'screaming, it felt like hell' This is a bit weird, you would think it's 'I' sat in the grave or 'She sat in the grave'... Or, as I would suggest, you could change it to something like 'unseeing, he bid her farewell'.
POINT 2: 'sweet silence' Just a little nitpick, but maybe something like 'cold silence' or 'bitter silence'.
POINT 3: 'and' ...And what? Seems like there should be a word after that.
POINT 4: The word 'touch' seems out of place and doesn't really fit. You could even take out the word completely and it would still work.
POINT 5: The term 'bleeding heart' or 'my bleeding heart' is a bit overused. No reason you can't use 'heart', or even just that and no word before it, but the 'bleeding heart' bit is a bit overdone.
Your lyrics certainly aren't bad, but the subject may seem slightly 'done before' to some. I'm certainly not one to classify, as today's sterotyping kinda annoys me, but I know some people who would call the lyrics 'emo'. Ignore them, and write about what
you want. :wink:
